WTF Friday | Summer update edition

 WTF Friday 

We survived another wild week (barely) and have some BIG weekend plans ahead of us. 

Last Sunday I was out with my besties having brunch and catching up on our book club, when I get a call from my boyfriend. Disclaimer: he wouldn't have called me while I was with them unless something was wrong, so I knew I needed to take a quick pause and answer the call and hear the bad news: we were no longer moving into our home... 

We've been cautiously excited about the promise of inheriting a home from my partner's family. For the last decade his brother has been primary owner.. and let's just say it how it is - he neglected the home and let it run down and rot. And when he partnered up with a new girlfriend last July, I could sense it wouldn't take long for the two of them to move in together. Like clockwork, a few months into their relationship they informed us they were looking to move in together and asked us if we were interested in taking over ownership at his neglected home. Let me be clear, I've had hesitations since that initial conversation. My intuition knew that this was not a deal that would be in our favor and would likely not come to fruition the way it was being sold to us. But my boyfriend was excited about it, so we tentatively said we would consider the offer. We were told the timeline they had in mind would put them moving in together around the end of summer, giving us a lot of time to plan, save and get ready to take on a home. We had concerns which we discussed with their parents and were reassured that the concerns we had weren't going to be issues because it wouldn't be fair for us to have to fix things that were neglected and poorly cared for - makes perfect sense to me. 

Fast forward to May - SURPRISE, the timeline jumped because they found a house sooner than expected and had a sweet deal they couldn't turn down, which required them to act fast. Not the end of Summer as promised, but the end of SPRING. Cool cool cool, NBD. We started tackling projects at the new house in the beginning of June, because there was a lot of work that needed to be done in order to get the house in a liveable and safe condition. We were low key expected to work every day after working our full time jobs because his parents are there every day (they are also retired) and we are expected to put in the work if we want a new house. -_- 

Now I'm not afraid of hard work, nor do I shy away from physical labor, despite having back issues and dealing with chronic pain. But I am also sensitive to fairness and my bullshit meter was freaking out. We were expected to be at the house working every day, but the brother who let the house go so far that it needed to be completely gutted and renovated before anyone else could move in there is off the hook? Rewind to our conversation above... where we were reassured that we weren't going to be held responsible for his neglect? Because that wasn't fair. Strange that we are now being gaslit to believe that we are not doing enough, not grateful enough, and not responsible enough to be homeowners. These are not my parents, mind you.... but I thought parents were supposed to believe in and encourage their children to strive for their goals and go for their dreams. From what I've observed I've only seen them tell my partner that he isn't good enough, smart enough, or capable to do things on his own. I've watched the ways in which he is manipulated and controlled into being a little puppet for his mom and step dad to control.  There is some smelly ass bullshit going down around here. 

So while I was out with my friends, his family took turns ganging up on him while I wasn't there to help keep him calm and grounded. They poked at him until they got a response (a response I suspect they were trying to get out of him) so that they could make him look unreasonable and unstable so they could pull the rug out from under us and take more control over the situation. After yelling and screaming at them, we were officially no longer future homeowners, just like that. And just like that, we also put ourselves into house hunting mode, because we currently live rent-free under their roof and no longer feel welcome to stay here. AWESOME. 

Why do I keep getting myself into situations where I get myself stuck? This doesn't feel like the stickiest situation I've ever been in, nor is this an easy challenge to navigate. I need to move forward, but I am being weighed down by my boyfriend - I know he is ready to move on, but I also recognize that he is depressed and grieving what this new development means for him and his family. He has a lot more riding on this than I do - but this is not my family and I do not feel comfortable here at all anymore. 

This weekend, my big plans are MOVING-CENTRIC and adulting on the things I couldn't get done during the work week. A few things I am looking forward to is: 

• Appointment with the bank to get an idea of what the home-buying pathway looks like for me these days 
• Getting my oil changed. All girls love this chore, don't we? (said in sarcasm - in case you aren't fluent) 
• Reading more of my BOOKS! Because it's my favorite form of escapism, when literally running away from my problems isn't an option - thanks DDD 

Life isn't the best right now; but it's not the worst either. I've survived harder and I'm not in the low down, far out place I always imagine myself being in. I have options and opportunities ahead of me, I just have to find them. 

Stay tuned to see where I end up...

Allow myself to re-introduce... myself

 Hello hello hello 

I'm re-attempting to start a Blog.... again. I have never successfully gotten this thing off the ground; in all honesty, because I have no idea what I'm doing and I can never remember to keep this practice going. 

But not this time! This time will be different - this time I have the power of the full moon and my intentions to be more creative and use my voice more. This matters a lot to me. I'm desperate to find and tune into my voice and learn to use it. I'm willing to put in the work. To be a beginner and to learn new things. I even considered signing up for a college writing class - but a blog is cheaper. 

I was always a quiet kid. The time I felt most authentically myself was as an athlete in high school and maybe for a brief bit of time while I was in college and things felt as though they were going my way. (They didn't for long, spoiler, but that is another story for another blog entry.) I feel most like myself when I'm learning and discovering new ideas and skills; or when I'm expressing myself freely and unapologetically; or when I'm running in the woods alone, wild and free... using my outdoor voice a-hootin' and a-hollerin' down the trail as a blaze by. At my core, this is who I am - a lifelong student of the world, a wild child of nature, an apologetically loud rebel. 

Writing is something I've always loved to do; and never made enough time to practice it. If I had put more effort and energy into it I think I could have been a rather good writer - and the good news is that there is still time for that. It's how I've always preferred to communicate and use my voice. Writing allows me the processing space and time I need to get my words right and to articulate my point. Communicating is important to me because I long to be understood and heard. I long to be seen. I don't want to feel invisible and ignored. 

As usual, I started this blog post and didn't finish it... Exactly one month later I find myself coming back to this post... Maybe it's the universe telling me not to give up? Keep going, keep writing, keep making the time to express myself - because if I don't I'm afraid I will never live the life I came here to live and I'll never truly know who I really am. I've made a lot of decisions that are inconsistent with the way I want my future self to live. I am still making them... every day; nearly every hour. 

But I can also see that I am trying - for example, picking this post back up and seeing it through to the end. Because I know I'm not a quitter. My life experience has proven that time, and time, and time again. I'm a warrior, and I don't give up on what I love. And I love writing. And I love being my truest, most authentic and realest self. Even if people don't like it. Who cares? I just heard a quote on a show and I loved it - it was something along the lines of "we literally live on a floating rock, so who the fuck cares?" Life is too short not to do the things I love and am passionate about - and definitely too short not to be my true self and life my best life. 

So here I am, picking up my blog, dusting it off, with all the best intentions of getting back into a regular writing practice. If I forget my journal, I will use this blog to capture my thoughts, feelings, poems, songs, stories... we will see how it shapes. What wants to come out - I welcome it all. 

It's good to be here. 

A Jar Full of Gratitude

My mother and I ran a salon together in Troutdale before my time here at Ruby, and one day she thought it would be fun to start a team gratitude project.  She bought all of us these mason jars with fancy stands, and told us they were known as Red Neck Wine Glasses, and they were to be our Gratitude Jars. We each put our own little flare on our jars, and each day we were challenged to write one thing we were grateful for for one year.  The first year we attempted this project I admittedly had I hard time remembering to add my pieces of gratitude to my jar each day; and honestly there were days when I struggled to find things to be grateful for.  I am happy to report that although I am in an entirely different place in my career and life, the Gratitude Jar is something that has followed me since the inception of my mom's project.

I have been filling my Gratitude Jar every year since, and each year it collects more and more pieces of gratitude.  The project has taught me to be more mindful over the years, and to pay attention all the things that happen during the day to inspire feelings of gratitude.  It has even strengthened my relationships with people who end up in the jar; and has given me the motivation I have needed on the days when I don't feel like lacing up my sneakers to go running.  While there are still days I forget, or days when I struggle to find gratitude, each year my jar collects more and more pieces of scrap paper.  I keep mine at my desk, and I keep a stack of scrap paper handy so I am always prepared to practice my gratitude on the daily.  

At the end of each year I empty the jar on my bedroom floor, and I dive into my pieces of gratitude. I like to read them all, and separate them into categories.  I usually end up with three main categories: Family & Friends, Work, and Health & Fitness.  This year so far I think my jar is already fuller than it ever has been before, and I have a feeling those same three themes are still trending strong.  Additionally I feel that doing this daily practice at work has helped me feel more empathetic and improved my listening; both skills that help me immensely in my role at Ruby.

Practicing gratitude has gotten easier every day with this practice.  Not only do I feel more grateful, but I feel more positive, more optimistic, and more mindful all the time.  My friends love the idea too, and many of them have started creating their own Gratitude Jars.  It's a small investment, which has brought HUGE payoff into my life.

The importance of self care in co-dependency

I recently read a book called "Codependent No More" and discovered that I have been a codependent for quite some time.  In fact, in reading this book, I saw the traits of codependency in myself, as well as in many other people.  As a codependent, I often fall last on my priority list.  I have been fighting hard for the last few years to make a change in this department; and while I have made progress, there is more progress to be made still - and now that I have a name for my issue, it kind of helps point me in the right direction to find more progress; but it's also pretty frustrating honestly, because the things that make me a codependent directly impact my abilities to care for myself. 
Symptoms include, but aren't limited to people-pleasing, poor boundaries, caretaking, obsession, dysfunctional communication, and problems with intimacy. 
Self care has grown increasingly more important to me in the recent years.  While I struggle with my codependent tendencies to help others before myself; I am re-wiring my brain at the same time to remember to put myself first!  Here's what that has started to look like:

A few years ago I got back into a healthy fitness routine.  I began spending more time doing things like yoga, hiking, running, swimming, dancing, and other types of workouts.  I learned that I store emotions and feelings IN my body.  I store them in my muscles, and when they are finally release; it feels pretty overwhelming.  I have cried in the middle of runs, for no reason, many times.  My body is able to let go of certain emotions that I try to ignore, or put off, while I am running or being active.  Any activities involving punching and kicking are also very effective for me to get out some of those negative, built-up emotions.  For a few years now, this has been my main form of self care; but I began realizing it's not quite enough. 

About two years ago I started reading more personal development books.  I think I have maybe read one book in the last two years which was not personal development.  (It was Harry Potter, duh) I really have grown thirsty for these types of books.  Reading has always been a special self care activity for me; and personal development books are ALL about that self care.  I spend at least 30 minutes per day reading personal development. 

As an introvert it's also very important for me to have a healthy balance of alone time vs. time with others.  I used to feel bad telling people I couldn't meet with them... Now I am literally just so busy I don't have time to make everyone happy.  Unfortunately this means I have lost a lot of time with friends.  It's not because I don't want to see them, but when you have three jobs, you work in an office with a lot of bubbly personalities, and the main focus of your job is to help others - well it doesn't seem too hard to figure out why I need that alone time.  It's crucial.  If I don't get alone time, it makes me resentful, bitter, and mean - which makes it very hard to do my jobs. 

Self care is a journey, just like health and fitness, education, career building... Any kind of journey you embark on.  It takes practice for me, but as I have been practicing more self care, I am noticing the amazing benefits that come with it - which motivates me to keep doing it.  I'm curious to see what other types of self care will unfold for me as I explore this practice. 

C R E A T E C O M M U N I T Y

As I get older I feel a desire to simultaneously find my "people" or as I often call them, my tribe; accompanied by the desire to be left alone to be simply by myself.  I really do enjoy spending time alone.  A LOT.  But there is something to be said about finding YOUR PEOPLE.  There's something about certain people that really just makes them easier for me to be around.  I always thought I preferred doing things alone, but when I ran the Autumn Leaves 50/50 last year, I realized how much I really needed people.  The right people. 
As I was running the same course in loops, I began to look for people I knew as I passed through the Start/Finish line each lap.  My first time through I had hoped to see my boyfriend.  I never used to ask or invite people to come to these events.  I didn't want to be a burden, and I didn't want to invite them to come spend hours of their day waiting for me to return from my wild adventures.  It felt a little selfish to request that of someone; and now I know that it's something I need, so I need to find the right people to vibe with.  Having people there for me when I am pushed to my limits, when I need support, and when I am chasing my passion is not a selfish request.  It just needs to be requested from the right people. 
Of course, I'm much more than a runner, and there are many different activities and roles I play in my life.  Each hat I wear effects how I interact with people around me.  Just as my vibes can change depending what I'm doing, where I am, and who is around me; it attracts a different frequency from those around me.  As long as I am not getting in my own way, and mucking up my frequency I know I will attract the right people to me; but I have to start by putting myself out there, and making sure I am sending out positive vibes and good intentions for the right people to come. 
I feel like this works better than we realize it does.  Sometimes we just aren't paying enough attention; but when people enter, or leave your life (and I'm not talking about death, but growing apart, separating, breaking up, etc.) there's usually something larger at play.  Pay attention, wake up, and put yourself out there to see who in your community needs your connection, and what connections you are needing.  People are social by nature; even us introverts have our tribe.  We just have to wait for them to come. 

GROW

Growth is my number one core value, because I am always striving for it.  To me growth is truly inevitable; and resisting it can create some serious stress and unhappiness in one's life.  I have always embraced changing and growth as a natural part of life. When I have tried to fight and avoid it, it seems to cause problems, and add an insane amount of stress to my life.  Now I listen for those gentle nudges, and my "spidey senses" - and when I feel that nudge, I jump!  Growth is not always easy or fun; but I have learned to trust the process, which I think that makes me more adaptable and willing to grow even more. 
I enjoy doing many activities that promote my self growth.  As a long distance runner, I have spent a lot of time alone with myself, and I have learned countless things about myself during the time I spent alone in my own thoughts.  Many of the tools and skills I have acquired to deal with life and adulting I have learned from my time spent running.  When I'm not running, I am probably doing some other kind of workout, and if I'm not working out, I'm reading something.  You can always count on me to be reading more than two or three books at any given time... (usually more...)  When I'm driving I listen to audible rather than the radio or music; not because I don't enjoy music, but I am very focused on growth right now.  Any kind of training or continued education offered to me is eagerly devoured. 
Growth has always been my favorite core value, and it most likely always will be.  I will always strive to improve myself, because it's truly at the core of my being.  I will continue to submit myself for the Grow legend award every quarter until the award is mine; even though in my heart it's always been mine. 

HTC15

This year's Hood To Coast was definitely a memorable one.  From perfect weather conditions at Timberline Lodge, to a stormy, windy monsoon finish in Seaside.  It was my second year running, and my second year in van one; which always means the start on the mountain.  This year the mist was so crazy looking at Timberline, you couldn't see the top of Mt Hood when we first got there, but it cleared up by the time my friend Chris took off.  The first leg is always the fastest leg.  It's a straight downhill run.  I ran leg two this year, which meant I was up next.  Within the first hour of our adventure, I was off on my first run; and it was a FAST one.  It was definitely a PR for me, and as sore as it made me, I don't regret going all out. 

We got to break in our home town, so it was easy to get showered, changed, and I got to run home and see my pups for a moment, which helped ease my mind and lift my spirits.  I hate leaving on these trips, because I think about my dogs while I am running, and it makes me miss them.  I felt better knowing that Adam would be around to check on them and love them; even if it's not the way that I would love them. 
It didn't seem like much time had passed, until we were back on the road toward Portland to meet up with Van 2 under the Hawthorne bridge.  We had a great time at that exchange!  The energy was charged, friends stopped by to wish us luck and show us support, and I got Dutch Bros which was so tasty (but I later came to regret it...)   Then in the blink of an eye, the exchange was made and Chris was off again; which mean that it was my turn to run next!
When we got to the next exchange, I was happy to see my mom and her boyfriend, Bob.  A few quick minutes with them, and I was off on my second run!  I was surprised that I was running at such a solid pace, and I felt awesome... Until about four and a half miles into my leg.  The coffee made a comeback, and it was painful.  Cramps instantly seized my stomach, and the desire to use the bathroom was a strong one.  It slowed my stride, but I didn't stop until I made it to my next runner.  I was surprised to see my mom and Bob once again, right before I got to the exchange; having their support really helped me push through the pain, and it felt nice having fans there to cheer me on!

Once again our van killed it, and we were trading the relay bracelet off to the other van.  At this big exchange is where we got our first sign of the storm.  Thunder, lightening, and then the rain came.  We decided to head to Mist right away, in case there was another traffic back up, like last year.  Luckily they had solved the problem, by opening up another field, and finding military personnel to guide traffic.  We tried to sleep as much as possible, but there was no way I could find a comfortable position to sleep in.  Not to mention, every little noise irritated me to the point where I was just laying in the front seat of our van, listening to people yell outside, and slam doors and I got not one moment of rest.  It seemed like 5 minutes passed, and we were getting ready to go again.
My second leg started strong, and finished the same way the second one did; in cramping pain due to stomach problems, and pain in my hips.  My hips always seem to be bugging me.  I have taken to stretching, rolling, and hot tubbing more to help them relax.  It doesn't help that I have been really stressed in my home life, and from what I have read stress can manifest itself as tense tight hips.  I still managed to squeak my overall average min / mile under 10, but I was still disappointed that I had to walk.  It's obvious the recent hot weather, and personal issues causing me to pull back on my training has slowed me down.  But it hasn't killed my determination to finish strong, and I did finish my last leg strong, I am happy to say.  It felt good to be done when I slapped the bracelet on the next runner.  I was DONE!  HTC15 in the books.  I have to say, I lucked out weather wise.  My weather was nothing compared to what my team mates had to endure.  I would argue that I had the worst stomach problems though! 
As each of our runners finished their final legs, the weather continued to get worse.  The wind picked up, it rained harder, and the trees started shedding their branches.  One of our runners claimed that a branch fell right in front of him, causing him to have to hurdle the branch.  (Man I want to do an OCR soon!)  The weather was pretty intense.  Honestly, I got really lucky, and the weather was basically perfect when I ran my legs.  Thank you Karma! 
We finally got to eat, and I took the opportunity to catch up on some burned calories.  I probably didn't make the best choice, but my stomach outruled my brain; I blame it on lack of sleep.  To make matters worse, I was on the 6th day of my clean eating challenge.  I don't feel bad.  I ate healthy all week long, and then gave into temptation after running 17 miles and not sleeping for over 35 hours.  That bacon cheeseburger was a well earned trophy, and I enjoyed every last bite.  Sorry vegans.  My will is weak at times. 
I was so happy to make it home, and see my furry loved one, and my boo / manager Adam.  Of course, I couldn't just go to sleep, because I had too much energy.  Once I finally laid down for bed though, I was instantly out, and slept in until 8:30... Which is actually sleeping in really late for me, so I enjoyed that.  Hood to Coast 2015 was definitely memorable.  There were good, bad, ugly, and beautiful moments that made the experience, for me, once again all worthwhile.  I love relay races.  For some reason I tend to dread them, but I have so much fun during the adventure with my van mates, and although I am usually ready for them to be over at the end, I am always looking forward to doing it again! 

Road Kills refer to the number of runners we passed on the road while we were running.  Our van got a total of over 170. 

Rager on the Beach!  

We are tired, but we are proud.  Go Team 838! 

Reppin' our favorite sports teams.