WTF Friday | Summer update edition

 WTF Friday 

We survived another wild week (barely) and have some BIG weekend plans ahead of us. 

Last Sunday I was out with my besties having brunch and catching up on our book club, when I get a call from my boyfriend. Disclaimer: he wouldn't have called me while I was with them unless something was wrong, so I knew I needed to take a quick pause and answer the call and hear the bad news: we were no longer moving into our home... 

We've been cautiously excited about the promise of inheriting a home from my partner's family. For the last decade his brother has been primary owner.. and let's just say it how it is - he neglected the home and let it run down and rot. And when he partnered up with a new girlfriend last July, I could sense it wouldn't take long for the two of them to move in together. Like clockwork, a few months into their relationship they informed us they were looking to move in together and asked us if we were interested in taking over ownership at his neglected home. Let me be clear, I've had hesitations since that initial conversation. My intuition knew that this was not a deal that would be in our favor and would likely not come to fruition the way it was being sold to us. But my boyfriend was excited about it, so we tentatively said we would consider the offer. We were told the timeline they had in mind would put them moving in together around the end of summer, giving us a lot of time to plan, save and get ready to take on a home. We had concerns which we discussed with their parents and were reassured that the concerns we had weren't going to be issues because it wouldn't be fair for us to have to fix things that were neglected and poorly cared for - makes perfect sense to me. 

Fast forward to May - SURPRISE, the timeline jumped because they found a house sooner than expected and had a sweet deal they couldn't turn down, which required them to act fast. Not the end of Summer as promised, but the end of SPRING. Cool cool cool, NBD. We started tackling projects at the new house in the beginning of June, because there was a lot of work that needed to be done in order to get the house in a liveable and safe condition. We were low key expected to work every day after working our full time jobs because his parents are there every day (they are also retired) and we are expected to put in the work if we want a new house. -_- 

Now I'm not afraid of hard work, nor do I shy away from physical labor, despite having back issues and dealing with chronic pain. But I am also sensitive to fairness and my bullshit meter was freaking out. We were expected to be at the house working every day, but the brother who let the house go so far that it needed to be completely gutted and renovated before anyone else could move in there is off the hook? Rewind to our conversation above... where we were reassured that we weren't going to be held responsible for his neglect? Because that wasn't fair. Strange that we are now being gaslit to believe that we are not doing enough, not grateful enough, and not responsible enough to be homeowners. These are not my parents, mind you.... but I thought parents were supposed to believe in and encourage their children to strive for their goals and go for their dreams. From what I've observed I've only seen them tell my partner that he isn't good enough, smart enough, or capable to do things on his own. I've watched the ways in which he is manipulated and controlled into being a little puppet for his mom and step dad to control.  There is some smelly ass bullshit going down around here. 

So while I was out with my friends, his family took turns ganging up on him while I wasn't there to help keep him calm and grounded. They poked at him until they got a response (a response I suspect they were trying to get out of him) so that they could make him look unreasonable and unstable so they could pull the rug out from under us and take more control over the situation. After yelling and screaming at them, we were officially no longer future homeowners, just like that. And just like that, we also put ourselves into house hunting mode, because we currently live rent-free under their roof and no longer feel welcome to stay here. AWESOME. 

Why do I keep getting myself into situations where I get myself stuck? This doesn't feel like the stickiest situation I've ever been in, nor is this an easy challenge to navigate. I need to move forward, but I am being weighed down by my boyfriend - I know he is ready to move on, but I also recognize that he is depressed and grieving what this new development means for him and his family. He has a lot more riding on this than I do - but this is not my family and I do not feel comfortable here at all anymore. 

This weekend, my big plans are MOVING-CENTRIC and adulting on the things I couldn't get done during the work week. A few things I am looking forward to is: 

• Appointment with the bank to get an idea of what the home-buying pathway looks like for me these days 
• Getting my oil changed. All girls love this chore, don't we? (said in sarcasm - in case you aren't fluent) 
• Reading more of my BOOKS! Because it's my favorite form of escapism, when literally running away from my problems isn't an option - thanks DDD 

Life isn't the best right now; but it's not the worst either. I've survived harder and I'm not in the low down, far out place I always imagine myself being in. I have options and opportunities ahead of me, I just have to find them. 

Stay tuned to see where I end up...

Allow myself to re-introduce... myself

 Hello hello hello 

I'm re-attempting to start a Blog.... again. I have never successfully gotten this thing off the ground; in all honesty, because I have no idea what I'm doing and I can never remember to keep this practice going. 

But not this time! This time will be different - this time I have the power of the full moon and my intentions to be more creative and use my voice more. This matters a lot to me. I'm desperate to find and tune into my voice and learn to use it. I'm willing to put in the work. To be a beginner and to learn new things. I even considered signing up for a college writing class - but a blog is cheaper. 

I was always a quiet kid. The time I felt most authentically myself was as an athlete in high school and maybe for a brief bit of time while I was in college and things felt as though they were going my way. (They didn't for long, spoiler, but that is another story for another blog entry.) I feel most like myself when I'm learning and discovering new ideas and skills; or when I'm expressing myself freely and unapologetically; or when I'm running in the woods alone, wild and free... using my outdoor voice a-hootin' and a-hollerin' down the trail as a blaze by. At my core, this is who I am - a lifelong student of the world, a wild child of nature, an apologetically loud rebel. 

Writing is something I've always loved to do; and never made enough time to practice it. If I had put more effort and energy into it I think I could have been a rather good writer - and the good news is that there is still time for that. It's how I've always preferred to communicate and use my voice. Writing allows me the processing space and time I need to get my words right and to articulate my point. Communicating is important to me because I long to be understood and heard. I long to be seen. I don't want to feel invisible and ignored. 

As usual, I started this blog post and didn't finish it... Exactly one month later I find myself coming back to this post... Maybe it's the universe telling me not to give up? Keep going, keep writing, keep making the time to express myself - because if I don't I'm afraid I will never live the life I came here to live and I'll never truly know who I really am. I've made a lot of decisions that are inconsistent with the way I want my future self to live. I am still making them... every day; nearly every hour. 

But I can also see that I am trying - for example, picking this post back up and seeing it through to the end. Because I know I'm not a quitter. My life experience has proven that time, and time, and time again. I'm a warrior, and I don't give up on what I love. And I love writing. And I love being my truest, most authentic and realest self. Even if people don't like it. Who cares? I just heard a quote on a show and I loved it - it was something along the lines of "we literally live on a floating rock, so who the fuck cares?" Life is too short not to do the things I love and am passionate about - and definitely too short not to be my true self and life my best life. 

So here I am, picking up my blog, dusting it off, with all the best intentions of getting back into a regular writing practice. If I forget my journal, I will use this blog to capture my thoughts, feelings, poems, songs, stories... we will see how it shapes. What wants to come out - I welcome it all. 

It's good to be here.